week 14|2017: on women + dating/relationships

frolove

I feel like I haven’t talked to you all in awhile. Hi! I’ve been reposting worthwhile reads, but I know I have been a bit M.I.A. with engaging and sharing thoughts of my own. Siiigh.. tis life. The below is not my own, but I echo the sentiments. (Feel free to read the passage now. I’ll wait..)

as women, we are often shamed into loneliness.
told that requiring anything is asking too much.
so we choose silence, over ourselves, as to not be read as lonely, desperate, needy, “thirsty”.
because apparently needing anything in particular other than sex makes you undesirable.
choose someone who listens when you speak,
who hears you when you talk,
someone who you can ask things of and not feel the shame that comes from feeling like you’re asking too much.” –@keyballah

What do you think? I think we all, men and women, harbor some residuals from past relationships and dates – whether good or not so good. One thing I recognize that shadows me e v e r y time I meet someone new is apprehension of sharing for fear of.. rejection? Yea, maybe. A stranger knowing too much and using it against me? For sure. Looking thirsty? Not really, actually. I think we’re all a bit fearful of our feelings getting disregarded by (undeserving) partners + prospects. Again. I just know that being honest is worth it because hey, people are going to judge you regardless, right? I’d rather be judged by who I am/my truth than a false representation any day. And I promise you that the handful of men that I’ve ever taken seriously know exactly how I felt during our relationships and when things ended. And even though it didn’t ever feel great ending it, they all know where my heart was and I don’t regret being vulnerable and telling them the truth. It’s helped me practice discernment, learn more about myself and have a bit more fun dating.

All in all, even though it may be scary to possibly have your ego/heart/feelings shattered, it’s worth it as you make your way to the one(s) that will hold dear you and your realness. I definitely appreciate real ones in a world that promotes highly edited ig #relationshipsgoals; the “couples” could just be bed buddies! Or models at work. How do we ever know??!

Dating can suck, but cheers to love!

[photo borrowed from the internet]

❤

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40 comments

  1. Omay Farlane · 24 Days Ago

    Dating for me has become more of a chore than something fun, exciting and somewhat meaningful. Being a person of color, I dealt with the negatives of what dating shouldn’t be, in the terms that the dates weren’t interested, honest or responsible with other person’s feelings. And here’s that’s the weird part began, when I literally stopped looking for a date for a weekend to not feel alone, I went alone to the movies, or to the pubs or bars, or to the parks trying to understand my loneliness better in a world that there’s always company for other people. The most important part of it is once I stopped looking, someone else was looking at me and the rest is history. Feelings are important, intuition is critical, you can trust your heart but don’t use it when you feel lonely or desperate or need some meal ticket to get out of a situation that you cannot get out of. I saved myself so many times that I can’t count, and I think God was telling me, okay, I will send you one who can tend to your needs, mend your heart and forget your past. Women has needs, period! Why Black women have to be treated differently when it comes to meaningful, positive and enlightening relationships?

    Liked by 1 person

    • kelley · 23 Days Ago

      You said it, Omay! Thank you for sharing your testimony. I think we humans make dating and relationships much more complex than they are. I also find that people don’t take honesty well or give honestly enough; there’s always an ulterior motive or a sidepiece! A back up plan for a back up plan. And we are trying to make it work with people we KNOW just don’t fit.

      The same happened for me: someone found me when I wasn’t “looking”.. but he’s jaded, like so many men AND women are these days, and in need of some patience. And healing. I question if I’m the one who can help him move past the hurt. Time will tell! We are having fun in the meantime.

      Thanks again for tuning in.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Omay Farlane · 23 Days Ago

        I hope everything goes well for you. For me it was the other side. I was the hurt person, he is my healer in every aspect of it. I’m glad.

        Liked by 1 person

        • kelley · 22 Days Ago

          Thank you. Wishing you two longevity + good fortune as well.

          Like

      • nosyjosie · 21 Days Ago

        Both you and Omay’s feedback resonate with me so much. As Omay said, dating isn’t an exciting, meaningful experience anymore for me. It’s rather painful, if being honest.

        I naturally blame everything on social media so please forgive me as I proceed to do so lol. Social media has really heightened the lack of tolerance and patience with many people; nor do they seem to have any substance. I feel as if I’m staring into space when I look at these men across the table from me. It’s damn near depressing; the thought of people having been irreversibly ruined by a lack of social skills and genuineness.

        I long for companionship at times when I’m on my solo dates; but longing for it when I’m in the company of others feels much worse. And when I DO find someone that I might be remotely interested in, I’m afraid that they (similar to how you feel) might question whether they are the right person to usher me past the doubt (not so much “hurt” for me personally). I think I’ll just stick to “dating” my blog family :/ lol

        Liked by 2 people

        • kelley · 19 Days Ago

          I get it. Many of us feel jaded. Many are using social media as a front to glorify the parts of themselves they like best when they’re really kind of sad and shitty on the inside. Being super active conversing online yet lacking those same skills during a face-to-face encounter. A huge pet peeve of mine is seeing you like a photo or post something before giving me any response via text/phone call! OMG it takes the same amount of time, no? Everyone is just so afraid of something real (because it’s been taken away before? perhaps) ..or they believe there is always someone better. I don’t know. I’m co-captain of the single forever club if you want in. Thanks for sharing your testimony.

          Liked by 2 people

          • nosyjosie · 18 Days Ago

            Amen to your reply and heck yes, give me a lifetime membership pass, please. Does that come with cookies? :/

            Liked by 1 person

          • kelley · 18 Days Ago

            Yes, boxes of homemade candies, free trap music downloads (so you don’t have to feel) and red wine.

            Liked by 1 person

        • Omay Farlane · 16 Days Ago

          Social Media has become a false advertising door to “meeting” people. It basically judge it depending on your looks, your words and maybe your attitude. Men always look for diamonds, but they can’t search from coal, because they don’t want to get their hands dirty (It also applies to women). Social skills are lacking these days and so far even thought I’m shy and I have social anxiety sometimes, I just go past it and try to have a good time even by myself or meeting someone. The thing is that when you go to a bar or a pub or a restaurant (like Applebees, Chillis, or any other) go to the bar area and take a look around. There’s guys but instead of talking to themselves, they’re with both hands on their phones, unable to at least do the first step in meeting someone just for chatting. That’s what happens with dating these days, they judge by the photo instead of how charming this person would be.

          Liked by 2 people

          • kelley · 16 Days Ago

            Agreed! SO sadly true. Many men’s egos are extremely fragile as well, so they would rather play it safe than approach a women they’re attracted to for fear of rejection or heartbreak later down the line. And online is always safe because you have the privacy to share fractions of yourself, or even an entire facade of a person. And you can revise a perfect response 10x before hitting “send” instead of having to give a candid answer on the spot.

            It’s a mess, really, for those who can see through the nonsense and for those who use it as a tool to share just enough of their persona to get looks and likes.

            Like

          • nosyjosie · 11 Days Ago

            🙌🏽 come on with that truth!

            Liked by 1 person

  2. nshami14 · 23 Days Ago

    Cheers to love, but dating can suck. LOL. Settled into a nice groove of not looking, but being open and enjoying the men and the energy when it’s right.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Silksache't · 23 Days Ago

    I do hate how women are shamed constantly into loneliness, bitterness, etc. Its damaging to the psyche.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Omay Farlane · 23 Days Ago

      It’s the way that society view Black women today. They can have kids, do it on their own even if they don’t have the energy to do so, be independent or have a false sense of independence but they cannot be loved, respected, held, being treated like something vulnerable, something of value, something that can be given her the world and leave her heavy burden behind. Instead, we’re carrying it for no reason, other than we have the assumption of being “strong” women. That’s why for every disappointment, heartbreak, tears, our hearts becomes hard and set into stone. The thing is it’s never too late for women to discover their self-value and their self-esteem to then if the time is right to find a man that can respect her stance.

      Liked by 2 people

    • kelley · 23 Days Ago

      Oh no doubt. And not just in amorous relationships, but friendships and co-workerships… it’s crazy.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. lovealholic · 23 Days Ago

    Lobe your point of view. Yes, dating can suck. We all been there 😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. K E Garland · 23 Days Ago

    I nodded my head through the entire read.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. elvagreen123 · 23 Days Ago

    Well, …..as an “older” woman who has “dated” many men, black, white, Hispanic, Irish (black hair, blue eyes) I have to say that it has only been over the last 20 years that I have learned to expect respect, concern for my well-being and true interest in me as a person. Which means that my “dates” have dwindled. When I ask not to be called “Baby” or “darling” when we have just met, I get attitude, as if they won’t be bothered with remembering my name. When I say I am a writer, I get “uh huh” as a response. When going to a movie he wants to sneak in his own popped pop corn. And waiting to become intimate, well seems that my body ceases to be mine. But trust me, I have accepted these types of relationships most of my life. I had major surgery when I was 45 and I discovered that my female body should be worshipped because of what it can endure, and a few years after that I had an older woman ask me if the men I dated made me feel “Precious”. That opened my eyes the rest of the way. I am not bitter. I just know now that if a man is not interested in my feeling “Precious” to him, then I can step back, or not, depending on how happy I want to be. It can be lonely but I feel much better about myself. Hey, thanks so much for your post and for letting me comment.

    Liked by 2 people

    • kelley · 23 Days Ago

      Elva! Thank you so much for your testimony. I teared up a bit reading it! The lonely nights and taking yourself out on dates is worth much more than having someone for the sake of saying you have someone.

      I also have to keep that in mind, feeling precious. It should feel good, the energy. The conversations. That no matter if we’re right there next to one another or 1000mi apart, he will still love and respect me and honor our relationship.

      Thank you! I will remember and apply this notion.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Omay Farlane · 16 Days Ago

      You keep your pace, your boundaries well in check. It’s better to be alone than having bad company. You’re very classy!

      Liked by 2 people

  7. tunisiajolyn84 · 19 Days Ago

    Wow that passage got to me in the gut and the heart. Thanks for sharing this piece along with your words as well. I’ve always felt like I was doing too much when I expressed how I felt with no regard to rules or thirst. And sometimes, I have to be honest… I still cringe at some of my past actions but then I try to remind myself that I was being real and honest and vulnerable in that moment and there’s nothing wrong with that. I wrote somewhere (and I am paraphrasing a little) that “my heart is made for love, not riddles” and it’s nice to get that reminder yet again.

    Liked by 2 people

    • kelley · 19 Days Ago

      Of course. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on it. It’s amazing how these days, people want your time, space and energy -your more valuable bits- but won’t make anything serious or official. Ready to flee at the first sign of discomfort.

      And ah my heart, too, is made for love, not riddles. I’ll keep that with me. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • tunisiajolyn84 · 19 Days Ago

        No problem. 😊

        Like

  8. Sarah Light · 17 Days Ago

    this is highly relatable… even down to the responses lol. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: *cries* I like a boy – Sarah's Point of View
  10. 25, Black, and Alive · 9 Days Ago

    I really hate being vulnerable. To be honest, someone has to really show me they are worth their weight in gold for me to truly open up. uggggghhhh I got problems.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kelley · 8 Days Ago

      That is how I feel. Almost every time I let my guard down, I’m shown again why it’s up so high!

      We all have issues, Cliff. It’s all about finding someone who can see the good/god in you despite them.

      Liked by 1 person

      • 25, Black, and Alive · 3 Days Ago

        I truly agree. But that’s another thing I am kind of scared of. People (women) see the god in me and may like me, but like me or force theirself to like me because they see what I have done, am doing now and the things I am going to do in the future. I don’t mean anything by force because I am a naturally likeable guy but I don’t know if I can write that to make any sense. But it’s like more of a leech thing.

        Liked by 1 person

        • kelley · 3 Days Ago

          Nah I feel you. There are a ton of sad people looking for an easy come up or just some good energy to absorb without giving anything/much in return. So you kinda keep your eyes open while keeping your heart open. And use lots of discernment.

          Liked by 1 person

          • 25, Black, and Alive · 2 Days Ago

            What if my discernment has made me overthink situations that may have been good for me?

            Like

          • kelley · 2 Days Ago

            Typical man!

            Nah, seriously. There is fine line between the two. I mean you have to use discernment and go with your gut. But also use discernment when you feel your time + energy is being used. In a bad way. Just do what feels right and see what happens; I think that will feel better than wondering what if.

            Like

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