week 6|2017

6 things mentally strong people do (spied on instagram):

  1. They move on. They don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves.
  2. They embrace change. They welcome challenges.
  3. They stay happy. They don’t waste energy on things they can’t control.
  4. They are kind, fair + unafraid to speak up.
  5. They are willing to take calculated risks.
  6. They celebrate other people’s success. They don’t resent that success.

I dig the list, but according to its author, I’m a bit weak. I have a slight qualm with #1 and #3; one definitely needs to take time to mourn. Don’t tell yourself that since it’s been x amount of days/weeks/years that you should be over something. There is a difference between dwelling and reflecting. Reflecting provides clarity and I attest that clarity reaps healing. And I “waste” plenty of energy thinking about things I can’t control, e.g. poverty, manufactured diseases, my nephew. The list goes on! I mean, define “waste”.. If one is truly aware of all the ugly in the world, there is no way you can stay happy. It’s all in how you handle things-what you do in your power to evoke change. (Maybe that’s what the author meant?)

Anyway, now I’m asking myself why I posted this list. Are you mentally strong? Working on it?

What else would you add to it?

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66 comments

  1. themelanatedman · February 8

    I consider myself more mentally strong than at any point in my life. But that’s my personal opinion, others might disagree lol

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Lady G · February 8

    I was always that kid that stood up for the underdog; and I still do!

    Liked by 3 people

    • kelley · February 8

      dig it!

      Liked by 2 people

    • nosyjosie · February 17

      I loved people like you when I was in 5th-9th grade. I was an underdog (in my opinion) and I loved when someone else would speak up for me, or encourage me to speak up for myself.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Lady G · February 17

        Yes girl, I got teased and picked on enough in my early years but then I got tired of that mess and started standing up and taking up for others.

        Liked by 2 people

        • nosyjosie · February 18

          I love that! I remember this episode of Bad Girls Club (yes, I watch a little ratchet TV from time to time) when some of the girls got bullied. SO many girls from previous seasons and from the reunion spoke up and made a stand about how uncool it was. Some of them even gave the bullies a taste of their own medicine. It was really interesting to watch that happen and I feel like that’s when anti-bullying became a movement, really. Well, at least that’s when I remember it becoming a widespread “thing.” So glad you were one of the good ones!

          Liked by 2 people

  3. Darryl Walker Jr · February 8

    Nice! I agree with your corrections to the list. There is a lot of truth to it, but I would add just two friendly amendments.

    I don’t think mentally strong people define themselves as mentally strong. The concept of “mental strength” implies the existence of people that are not mentally strong – so this term is comparative. So if a person is running around saying they are mentally strong, they are often doing so at the expense of another person (who is not mentally strong, or not AS mentally strong). Either that or they are putting up a facade to hide a deeper weakness. There is a line from Shakespeare: “wise (wo)man knows him/herself to be a fool”.

    Which I think kinda leads to my second addition: being introspective. We have to be able to reflect upon our thoughts, memories, and fantasies and be honest about them with ourselves. Too often, we place barriers between what we want and what we have, and who we are and who we want to be. Introspection is knowledge of the distance between these. We have to be honest with ourselves and others if we are to be “happy”.

    Liked by 4 people

    • kelley · February 8

      I agree with your amendments. I think it’s fair to say growth can only come from some serious G-checkin! Self-awareness. Honesty. There are plenty of minds that are distracted and/or afraid to face themselves and that’s where that “weakness” creeps in. The need to put on a show and present something that you’re not. Thanks for giving your take ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Liked by 4 people

      • nosyjosie · February 17

        I struggle with this sometimes. In speaking positive affirmations into my life, I try to move as if they are already concrete. But in doing so, sometimes I feel as if I am lying to myself – or not being truthful about who I am at THIS moment. Does that make sense? I always try to present myself as who I am striving to be, while acknowledging the flaws that I still have. But I worry sometimes that it comes off as if I’m falsifying who I am.

        Liked by 1 person

        • kelley · February 17

          I get it. Sounds like the struggle lies in believing in who you’re striving to be.

          Liked by 1 person

          • nosyjosie · February 17

            Absolutely. Which I think is totally normal as you transition from a toxic identity of self, into a healthy one. But I feel uncomfortable at times, speaking to the woman that I’m striving to be instead of the woman I am in the moment. I guess its best to differentiate between the 2 as I communicate to others.

            Liked by 1 person

          • kelley · February 19

            Knowing is more than half the battle. So much growth can come from confronting + being uncomfortable. But you know this!

            Liked by 1 person

          • nosyjosie · February 22

            yes but its always great to hear it reaffirmed ๐Ÿ™‚

            Liked by 1 person

          • kelley · February 22

            oh for sure

            Liked by 1 person

      • nosyjosie · February 17

        And without elaborating further, I completely agreed with you on number 1 and 3 (for the same reasons). ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Tareau Barron · February 8

    Speaking for myself, therapy has helped me a lot and I can actually feel myself mentally stronger than what I was last year. Am I mentally strong? No! But I’m mentally stronger. What helps me is exercising my brain.
    Example: I don’t like it when my personal space is encroached, so what I do is I practice my space getting encroached and try to respond a lรก role playing video games. Like I will give myself options. Option A, go off on person. Option B, be diplomatic with person, Option C Mentally shut down, Option D Tell person nicely how I am feeling. It may sounds stupid but it works for me

    Liked by 3 people

    • kelley · February 8

      Thanks for your testimony, Tareau. Your strategy doesn’t sound stupid at all. I’m sure a lot of people would benefit from taking a beat to decide how to react. I know I would. I just read a post about us (Black people) being too quick to react, so I admire when someone not only understands that they need to exercise control over their emotions but can also admit that they need an attitude adjustment. There’s strength in that honesty and vulnerability.

      Thanks again for the honest feedback.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Tareau Barron · February 8

        Honestly yes, black people we do not want to work on ourselves and admit we have faults alot of the times. Constructive criticism is sometimes just that. I can speak on that because I use to be that way, Ms. Suede. I think as a whole, it would be better if we worked with each other even if we disagree with something.

        Liked by 3 people

        • kelley · February 8

          That’s a huge wound we need to heal, not trusting each other enough to put our differences aside + build. Everyone brings something essential and unique to the table.

          Liked by 2 people

  5. magarisa · February 9

    I agree that we need to give ourselves time to mourn. The danger, of course, is to remain in that state indefinitely.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. K E Garland · February 10

    I think for #1, I’ve always understood it to mean that so-called mentally strong people do not sit a dwell (as you’ve said) in a funk about something. To do so would mean that you’ve allowed your mind to take control, instead of you trying to control your mind or thoughts. I tend to agree. From my own experience, I’m at my weakest when a situation has passed and I’m still (months, years later) thinking about why the person said it this way and maybe I should’ve said this back and done something different. If I’m thinking about the past, then I cannot be living in the present.

    In terms of #3, I think the current state of American affairs is a great example. I had to realize that I cannot keep up with everything that the president is doing to destroy rights. I had to come to an understanding that there are things that I can do within my locus of control, such as teach my own children, empower those around me, and focus on 1-2 changes that mean a lot to me, like the Secretary of Education and what she’s doing. While I think it’s beneficial to understand everything else, to sit here and literally worry about it would not help anyone.

    Apologies for such a lengthy answer lol, but that’s my $.02.

    Liked by 2 people

    • kelley · February 10

      No need to apologize! I appreciate the feedback.

      I agree with you on both. (Sidenote: the secretary of education… wth? As if education isn’t in the pooper already!) It seems Chump chooses the opposite of what’s right, right? It can be overwhelming but we need to do what you’re doing, taking power of what we can control. It makes a difference. A world of difference.

      It is definitely a practice to move on from certain situations. I’m sure we can all agree that there’s at least one situation that could have changed our lives if we’d just done _____. But, we didn’t. And we cannot go back and change it. I don’t know, I think we like thinking of the what ifs and righting the mishap in our mind.

      Liked by 2 people

      • 25, Black, and Alive · February 13

        “Chump”! I’m lmao at how some of this stuff roles off of your tongue way too well! I can see you interviewing him (Idk know what for) and saying, “So President Chump, I mean Trump!” LOL

        Liked by 1 person

        • kelley · February 14

          Ha! I could never..but if I did! I have a hard time looking at him for too long. And his voice makes my ears bleed. I don’t know if i could bring myself to call him president anything lol

          Liked by 1 person

          • 25, Black, and Alive · February 14

            CTFU!!!! So you’re saying that you couldn’t sit there and look into his eyes while he is puckering his lips and have a conversation with the guy? LOL

            Liked by 1 person

          • kelley · February 14

            First of all, what lips?

            Secondly, no. I thought he was mad ugly before-like the ugliest man I’d ever seen ever- and it hurts that I see him now more than ever.

            Liked by 1 person

          • 25, Black, and Alive · February 15

            CTFUUUUU! “What lips?” tho! Hey he’s YOUR president.

            Like

          • kelley · February 15

            Not at all, sir. Never.

            Liked by 1 person

          • 25, Black, and Alive · February 15

            Just confess your love for him. It’s ok! Nobody is going to say anything. (To your face at least.)

            Liked by 1 person

          • kelley · February 16

            o gawd

            Liked by 1 person

  7. trE · February 12

    I am in total agreement with you regarding numbers 1& 3.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kelley · February 14

      Thank you. There’s strength in being vulnerable, real. Human.

      Liked by 1 person

      • trE · February 14

        Exactly. You are so welcome.

        Like

  8. 25, Black, and Alive · February 13

    hahahahahahahahaha It’s not funny but sometimes I have to laugh because I have been told that I think too much! Huh! Naw bruh you don’t think at all. Keep talking to me about that Sunday night game while your water and food supply is being poisoned and contaminated. The list of things to worry about go on and on! But I don’t stress about things like I used to. I know that I am doing my part to change the world. Even though at times I wish that I could do more but until I get there. I have much work to do.

    Liked by 2 people

    • kelley · February 14

      So you’re that guy at the party?

      I feel you though, believe me. If you are conscious of even a smidgen of the ugly going on in Hollywood/mainstream media or the government and prison system and public schools and the food supply, you have got to be bubbling over a bit most of the time, right. I think it’s important to be mad + vigilant to make shit happen! But at the same time, you might go mad constantly overthinking it all.

      Thanks for your testimony. We all make a difference just being aware of certain things + sharing that knowledge. Hope you’re well!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. 25, Black, and Alive · February 14

    Lol! I don’t rain on people’s parades. I mingle with and can hold a conversation with everybody. I’m a socialite. I fit all of the characteristics of a Sagittarious! I enjoy the heck out of life but foolishness does annoy me.

    Like

    • kelley · February 14

      A shy socialite huh..

      Liked by 1 person

      • 25, Black, and Alive · February 15

        Yes! You said at a party, usually there’s drinks involved. Nonetheless, I am really outgoing! Even without the elixir I am life! I just don’t approach… I want to say people but I really mean women, but I don’t want to sound like a beta cause I am far from it. LMAOOO!!! If any of that made sense. I just put myself out there to get laughed at but I don’t care. Cause I’m laughing at my corny self too.

        Liked by 1 person

        • kelley · February 15

          No, I get you. I was at this awesome mixer last weekend, and I was “forced” to play family feud/battle of the sexes. Well, we ladies won and I was the only one jumping for joy over my free gifts so I sat down. Then I’m like..wayment.. I don’t know these people! And the people in the audience that know me, love me!

          Moral? You HAVE to be able to laugh at yourself! It is a MUST.

          Sidenote: my question is, why are men so afraid of rejection? I have had some tell me they have liked me for MONTHS before confessing. How can you live with yourself knowing the love of your life could be standing at the other side of the punch bowl but could slip away if you don’t say “Hello?” (in your Lionel Richie voice because humor is the best icebreaker).

          Liked by 1 person

          • 25, Black, and Alive · February 16

            Man Kelley you be at all the hot spots. My life is soooo…. -_-
            I’m pretty sure everyone loved just as much afterwards.
            To answer your question: It BURNS! But there are a lot of different reasons. A lot of women are cruel (no sexist). And as the question implies, we are afraid (fearful). That can come from an ego thing. Thinking like if I try and get shut down now my ego is hurt. But if I don’t try I’ll never know. Either way burns. Maybe that can be a question addressed in the Black Love stories ๐Ÿ˜‰

            Liked by 1 person

          • kelley · February 16

            I try, I have just been blessed to encounter some awesome folks who like having me around for some reason.

            And wouldn’t you rather know, regardless? Not knowing is maddening! To me anyway

            Liked by 1 person

          • 25, Black, and Alive · February 16

            That’s what I’m saying. Either way, it burns. Not knowing is worse at times. Because the feeling of what if brings on regret and it stings!! But in a sense you do know, cause it didn’t happen. At least that’s how it can be coped with.

            Like

          • kelley · February 16

            whatever

            Liked by 1 person

          • 25, Black, and Alive · February 16

            ๐Ÿ˜ฐ noooo don’t be mad at me Kelley. Now if every man that looked at you said something, then we’re all dogs. But when one that you may be interested doesn’t say something you’re mad. See there goes more confusion for us/ me/ men. I understand that you would rather know but the right one will speak at the right time. Unless I’m taking your “whatever” out of context, but in my experience when a lady says that, she’s mad even if she day she’s not. More confusion for us! ๐Ÿ˜‚
            But maybe others will tune in and put their two cents in.

            Liked by 1 person

          • 25, Black, and Alive · February 16

            Says she’s not.

            Liked by 1 person

          • kelley · February 16

            -_-

            Like

          • kelley · February 16

            False! Complete fabrications!

            Firstly, I rarely blanket men with such underserved titles such as dogs. If every man approached me with some respek on it, that’s a different story than dogs trotting up with their tongues hanging out.

            And if “the one” doesn’t say anything, then he is clearly not the one. All I’ms saying is that you might miss out on a good thing by letting her pass you by! Tis all. Carry on.

            Liked by 1 person

          • 25, Black, and Alive · February 19

            I agree but I would add that there isn’t any “might” about it. You DO miss out on good things.
            And I misread your initial comment. I think you said dude had been spying on you for three months and didn’t say anything. That is another story in itself. I don’t know what to say about that situation.

            Liked by 1 person

          • kelley · February 19

            You know it.

            And try seven months.. and twelve months.

            Liked by 1 person

          • 25, Black, and Alive · February 20

            That’s just ridiculous. They gotta let their nuts hang just a bit, damn!

            Liked by 1 person

          • kelley · February 16

            And yes, this would be a great topic to discuss. Thankya!

            Liked by 1 person

          • 25, Black, and Alive · February 16

            Anytime!

            Like

  10. Original-Dante · February 20

    I agree with your take on #1 …its easy to mistake misguided rationalizations to block out pain as “moving on”…making a habit of just bulldozing through traumatic or emotionally exhausting events is equally if not more dangerous than staying in stasis with the thought…time should be taken to reflect on events, pain should be felt and not avoided…that’s how we become stronger as human beings.

    Great post Kelley.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kelley · February 20

      You’re absolutely right, Dante. There is no time frame or one-size-fits-all method to healing.
      Thank you for tuning in + commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Sarahn Says · February 21

    Yes! I really feel this. I’m so happy to have found your blog. Ase.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kelley · February 22

      Thanks so much, Sarahn! I’ll be sure to check out your blog soon. Ase

      Like

  12. Liz · February 22

    They let go, and Let God; the faithful know He is there.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. tunisiajolyn84 · February 23

    As I was reading this, I was side-eyeing #3. lol I’m glad to see I wasn’t the only one. I think I am a work in progress when it comes to mental strength but I’m still here so I must be doing something somewhat right.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kelley · February 23

      That’s all I ask of people: be honest that you need work and do the work.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. lexydragonfly · March 18

    According to this, no. 4 and 6 though, yes, that is me. When I’ve accepted someone new in my life, they become a part of my tribe and I will defend and love my tribe with everything I’ve got. Woe be to anyone who comes against my people, lol. I love to honor people’s successes, more so when it is an emotional, physical and mentally challenging success rather than material success, although there’s a place for that to be honored at times too. 1, 2, 3, and 6 are a challenge, especially 2 and 3. Looking at it in a positive light though, there’s obviously room for growth,

    Liked by 1 person

    • kelley · March 18

      “Woe be to anyone who comes against my people!” YES lol

      There is always room for growth, forward/upward advancement. And I am with you on celebrating the “small” often overlooked successes, not just a new job or new house. Thanks for reading and the feedback!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Pingback: Loving this list! Check it out – are YOU mentally tough? |

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